It's a Journey

September 17th, 2013 was the most amazing day ever. I had a whirlwind delivery and we met our amazing little girl for the first time that morning. The sun was shining, everyone was beaming with excitement, and visitors were traveling in and out of our room at the hospital faster than I could keep track. Having a baby is awesome, right? But MAN is it a doozy of an adventure.

I'm a planner. You probably knew that about me. I love to make lists, cross off each accomplishment, and silently pat myself on the back for being such an over-achiever. But being a mom is not something that blends well with a to-do list. Kind of like being a special education teacher, you can kind of have an idea of what the day will hold, but flexibility is the name of the game. Some days your kid is happy and all is well with the world and other days, she barely makes it an hour between naps and is a cranky pants mcgee during the time in between. My planning side doesn't always love the unpredictability, but I know that's probably best that I be stretched, and being a mom sure has stretched me thus far!

Our little gal is a little over 10 months now. I could not be more proud of this little person, this little mini me, that I spend my days with. Her smile makes my heart sing and her laugh brings me to joyous tears. She loves to growl when someone does something she doesn't love right now, or if she's trying to communicate with the dogs. They taught her that, by the way. Every time she gets close to their food bowl and they're trying to eat, they growl at her. It's pretty cute when she does it... not so much when the dogs do.

Before El came into the world, I had really grand illusions of having a baby and carting her around to various places with me and beaming with ease and comfort of being a mom. After all, my over-achieving self could not imagine it being anything I couldn't handle gracefully. But this past winter was rough on me. Being a mom is tough. Being a mom is a HUGE responsibility. And being a stay-at-home mom, if you're an extrovert like me, can be pretty lonely. I clung to social media as a way to have some sort of communication with people while my husband was at work. But we had a heck of a winter in Indy and so my dreamed up adventures of traveling about with my kid were few and far between. I'd get out of the house once a week. Maybe. And that was for a couple hours to go to church and grocery shop.

The winter is a tough time to be stuck at home. No sunshine, family visits less because the roads are slick and dangerous, and so the down side to being on social media because you're trapped at home is that it's easy to become overwhelmed with all the bad in the world. I had other moms posting article after article about kids being kidnapped, babies suffocating in their sleep, deadly colds sweeping the nation. Then in December I'd watch the news and hear about a mother & daughter who had their home broken into and they died by "blunt force"... they lived a mile away.  I desperately needed positive people in my life speaking the truth about the good that this world has to offer, but instead I was overwhelmed.

That's when my panic attacks returned.

I struggled with anxiety and panic attacks years ago after my 1st husband had a scary eye accident and then a couple months later two friends from college died in a plane crash. Two instances of losing or almost losing people who were important to me was too much. It was really the first time I had to face my mortality.

But I hadn't had any panic attacks in a long time. Years. Life was good, I was happy, I wasn't thinking about my inevitable death. But like a lot of trouble spots in life, I've had a relapse.

So I'm back in counseling. It's a good thing. I struggle with it in the beginning because you can't just start up counseling without rehashing the past. Stories I don't talk about much have to come out, I have to remind myself that I deserve the forgiveness I've asked God for, and I have to remind myself that I'm forgiven.

That's my focus right now on this journey of healing. I am forgiven, even though I don't deserve it.

More to come...

Almost to the 3rd Trimester!

It's hard to believe how quickly this pregnancy is going! On Saturday we will officially be at 25 weeks, putting us just a couple of weeks away from reaching the 3rd trimester! Since our last post, we learned that baby Bean is a girl! :) We will be naming her Ellie Cathleen. Before you ask, I'll go ahead and tell you that the name Ellie doesn't really have any significance to either of us. However, Cathleen is my mom's name, so Ellie will share part of her name and that obviously is a purposeful and special choice for us. 

Our gender reveal picture

According to many of my weekly baby updates, Ellie is approximately 13.5 inches long and 1.5 lbs at this point. She's been very low all of my pregnancy, which has been frustrating at times. I can't see her kicks very well over my belly, and she's kicking in not-so-nice places. That can get a little tiring. However, she responds to specific voices at this point. She LOVES her daddy and will consistently always kick his hand when he says hello to her. :) It's pretty precious. She's hearing more and more of my parents voices too, so I'm expecting her reaction to them to increase soon. Ellie loves worship time during church, but seems to adore our lead pastor Steve Poe, and typically kicks his entire sermon each week. 

Watch us grow!

We've celebrated a few milestones in the past month. My parents celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary on May 3rd (woohoo!) and Ben and I celebrated meeting/knowing each other for a year on June 3rd. ;) Life certainly has changed from that first date at Starbucks and Steak 'n Shake. 

                                      

One year!

June 3rd I also wrapped up a major milestone in my life. That was officially my last day at ZMS teaching. I had been preparing myself mentally for quite a while... I slowly took things home so my room looked less and less like my space for the last couple of months. I started saving things early and sharing stuff with staff that I knew was returning so that things could get used again in the future. But the inevitable happened on that last day... I bawled my eyes out. Two of my favorite people retired this year, so a lot of my emotional mess was partially tied to celebrating their amazing teaching careers, but when it came time to turn in my keys and walk away I simply couldn't stop crying. I have no doubt in my mind that I'm going to treasure being able to stay home with Ellie, and be the one who helps her reach developmental milestones, but it is also going to be a big shock to this over-achiever's system when August arrives and I'm not heading back to long days of working with my resource kiddos. I'm abundantly thankful for the time I had at ZMS and the lessons I've learned are innumerable. The staff is amazing and the kids have been a blessing. All that said, I've spent the past seven years pouring my heart into those kid's lives and now it's time to do the same for my own munchkin. 

Farewell, my friend.

Last, but not least, we celebrated Father's Day last weekend. It's Ben's first official/unofficial Father's Day and I can't describe how excited I am to see him hold his baby girl for the first time. (Soon enough!) He's going to be amazing, and based on how she already responds to him, I know that she's going to very quickly have him wrapped around her finger and adore him for life. I'm so blessed to have him, my dad, and my brothers as amazing, Godly men to help encourage and support Ellie to know how amazing she is as she grows up. 

Some of my many special men!

Coming soon... Update on Ellie's room transformation! Guest bedroom update! Mini-McClew family reunion and 4th of July festivities.

Hope everyone is doing well! <3

16 Weeks Along!

8 weeks pregnant

When we got married in November, we knew we wanted to start having a family pretty quickly. Thankfully, God seems to be agreeing with us on things, and it's hard to believe we're already almost 16 weeks along! Baby Bean is the size of an avocado this week, which provoked a guacamole craving from Benjamin, but it's exciting to feel flutters every once in a while and start feeling like I look pregnant and not just food happy. ;) 

Bean at 13 weeks- a thumb sucker already!

 

We find out on Wed. May 15th if Bean is actually Ellie Cathleen or Graham Matthew... Ben and I both are undecided at this point. For the longest time I was convinced it's a boy, but the more home gender prediction tests we do and ultrasounds we see, the more I start wondering if it's a little girl. Ben's response to his prediction is that he's "50/50". ;) Big help. All joking aside, neither of us care one way or the other, we just want our little guy/gal to be healthy. (Though I'm sure we'll be crossing our fingers next time for the other gender!)

Life around the house has been busy as usual. Our bunnies under the deck and shed seem to be as fertile as we are, and that keeps Calvin entertained. Sadly, he's a little too good at catching said bunnies and so Ben is quickly becoming an expert and cleaning up the mess without his tummy sensitive wife seeing the bloodshed. In an attempt to get the bunnies to move somewhere else, Ben spent Monday putting up a "trim" of sorts around the edge of the deck and shed so that there isn't any room for them to get under. As of Wednesday there are baby bunnies small enough to still get under, so I think we're going to have to do a little more adjusting before this master plan is completely effective. Calvin will be disappointed, but I will have much relief not having to worry about being pregnant and trying to get Calvin out from climbing under the deck after chasing & following the bunnies. (This happened last summer and I had several meltdowns when I couldn't get him out and had to dig tunnels while laying on my stomach in the yard.) 

The dogs are very thankful for the sunshine and warmer temps lately. That has left me with no excuse to get out and do our 1 or 2 daily walks around our neighborhood. The 1-2 miles each time is good exercise for Bean and I and most of our furry crew put on a few pounds over winter, so it's certainly helping them slim down too. Jackson is quite the creature of habit though, so it's hard for him to comprehend when it's raining too hard for us to go out on our W-A-L-K. We're ready for summer! 

Speaking of exercise.. Ben has been taking CrossFit for a few weeks now. I think it's been a good challenge for him; he's learning exercises he's never done before and challenging new muscles. I'm finally feeling well enough that I'm back at the gym too. Swimming is my exercise of choice these days since I still get over-heated quickly which can turn me into a mess. Plus swimming gives my back some much needed relief from this growing belly. Thankfully, my running partner Mary, has been giving up one night a week from her mini marathon training to swim with me. I appreciate the companionship and support, and love having a sounding board to talk about all of these changes with someone who is a new mom too.

In anticipation of Bean's arrival, we purchased a mini van a month or so ago. The reaction by friends has been comical to say the least. Ben and I didn't talk about it much to friends before the day we purchased the vehicle, so most thought we made the decision and purchased the car in the same day. ;) They clearly weren't thinking about the people making these decisions (us) because Ben and I are big time planners, and that kind of spontaneity isn't how we roll. After weeks of searching online and visiting dealerships in our free time, we found our Honda Odyssey in Cincinnati. It has all the bells and whistles we were hoping for in anticipation of our growing crew of Hollis children. The van boasts a DVD player, power everything, and leather seats...now to get my iPod/Phone hookup installed so I'm not stuck with CDs and the radio. (I'm spoiled, I know...)

I've decided on the baby room color scheme even though we don't know the gender. I think it's not specific, so I'm anxious to start putting the pieces together. We picked out a pretty light gray for the walls and the furniture will be white (our crib came already by the way! super cute!) and we're doing turquoise accents. I'm hoping to do some garage sale shopping this summer and find a nice dresser for cheap that I can paint and dress up. 

Not much else to report at this time. Life is good and we are beyond blessed! Hope everyone is staying dry and safe...what a week our country has had! I'm off school today due to flooding in Boone County, so I'm hoping to take advantage of some free time to get caught up on stuff (like this!).

Love you all!

 S&B and Bean