September 17th, 2013 was the most amazing day ever. I had a whirlwind delivery and we met our amazing little girl for the first time that morning. The sun was shining, everyone was beaming with excitement, and visitors were traveling in and out of our room at the hospital faster than I could keep track. Having a baby is awesome, right? But MAN is it a doozy of an adventure.
I'm a planner. You probably knew that about me. I love to make lists, cross off each accomplishment, and silently pat myself on the back for being such an over-achiever. But being a mom is not something that blends well with a to-do list. Kind of like being a special education teacher, you can kind of have an idea of what the day will hold, but flexibility is the name of the game. Some days your kid is happy and all is well with the world and other days, she barely makes it an hour between naps and is a cranky pants mcgee during the time in between. My planning side doesn't always love the unpredictability, but I know that's probably best that I be stretched, and being a mom sure has stretched me thus far!
Our little gal is a little over 10 months now. I could not be more proud of this little person, this little mini me, that I spend my days with. Her smile makes my heart sing and her laugh brings me to joyous tears. She loves to growl when someone does something she doesn't love right now, or if she's trying to communicate with the dogs. They taught her that, by the way. Every time she gets close to their food bowl and they're trying to eat, they growl at her. It's pretty cute when she does it... not so much when the dogs do.
Before El came into the world, I had really grand illusions of having a baby and carting her around to various places with me and beaming with ease and comfort of being a mom. After all, my over-achieving self could not imagine it being anything I couldn't handle gracefully. But this past winter was rough on me. Being a mom is tough. Being a mom is a HUGE responsibility. And being a stay-at-home mom, if you're an extrovert like me, can be pretty lonely. I clung to social media as a way to have some sort of communication with people while my husband was at work. But we had a heck of a winter in Indy and so my dreamed up adventures of traveling about with my kid were few and far between. I'd get out of the house once a week. Maybe. And that was for a couple hours to go to church and grocery shop.
The winter is a tough time to be stuck at home. No sunshine, family visits less because the roads are slick and dangerous, and so the down side to being on social media because you're trapped at home is that it's easy to become overwhelmed with all the bad in the world. I had other moms posting article after article about kids being kidnapped, babies suffocating in their sleep, deadly colds sweeping the nation. Then in December I'd watch the news and hear about a mother & daughter who had their home broken into and they died by "blunt force"... they lived a mile away. I desperately needed positive people in my life speaking the truth about the good that this world has to offer, but instead I was overwhelmed.
That's when my panic attacks returned.
I struggled with anxiety and panic attacks years ago after my 1st husband had a scary eye accident and then a couple months later two friends from college died in a plane crash. Two instances of losing or almost losing people who were important to me was too much. It was really the first time I had to face my mortality.
But I hadn't had any panic attacks in a long time. Years. Life was good, I was happy, I wasn't thinking about my inevitable death. But like a lot of trouble spots in life, I've had a relapse.
So I'm back in counseling. It's a good thing. I struggle with it in the beginning because you can't just start up counseling without rehashing the past. Stories I don't talk about much have to come out, I have to remind myself that I deserve the forgiveness I've asked God for, and I have to remind myself that I'm forgiven.
That's my focus right now on this journey of healing. I am forgiven, even though I don't deserve it.
More to come...
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