Night

If you've ever had a panic attack, you know how debilitating they can be. When I first started having them back in 2006, I thought that I was dying. I had no control over them; they completely controlled me. Sometimes they'd last for hours and others "only" minutes. I have memories of floating around the townhouse my first husband and I lived in and sobbing uncontrollably and becoming physically sick because of the terror. Let me tell you, it's an awful way to live. Counseling was essential for me and for a good 6+ months I clung to those 50 minute sessions for dear life.

Slowly the panic attacks went away though. Thankfully counseling taught me how to recognize the triggers, and I learned how to stop an attack before it escalated. My counselor was a great Christian leader who helped me pray for strength and eventually I was able to wean off the medication that I'd needed to get through that time in my life.

I live in Indiana. Indiana has a lot of flat, straight roads. Life doesn't seem to have many flat, straight roads though. My ex-husband and I separated in 2008 and were officially divorced in 2009. He remarried in 2010. I met Ben in June of 2012, we were married in November of 2012, and our daughter was born in September 2013. That was a lot of wonderful, beautiful changes in a short period of time. Maybe I should've predicted that the combination of it all, plus pregnancy/nursing mom hormones, would put me in a vulnerable state for the panic attacks to return.

Night time is the worst for me. I can't tell you how many days I've run myself ragged in hope that by the time my head hits the pillow I will drift off quickly and not give my brain any down time to think. My first counselor warned me that dark places were often where panic attacks started. He was definitely right.

I stopped going to movie theaters in 2006. If a movie even remotely mentioned or talked about life or death, my brain found a way to escalate the panic attack. As you can probably guess, I rarely found a movie that didn't deal with that, so I stopped watching them altogether. In theaters, once the panic attacks started I'd be stuck in a dark movie theater that rarely provided an exit that didn't leave me looking like hot mess. And while I've never been one to hide away from sharing my feelings, I really am not a fan of looking like a mess. The first child in the family genes run deep... I need to have my act together. Or at least look like I do.

But back to night time... any new mom can recall those early days with their babies and the exhaustion of round the clock feedings. Many days I didn't know what day it was if I didn't look at my iPhone. Our little gal lost a lot of weight in the first few days of her life, and I fortunately had a very patient and dedicated friend who was my lactation consultant, and she helped me push through those first few weeks of exhaustion and frustration trying to help her gain the weight back. But take a new, tired mom and then add in panic attacks at night... I definitely was a mess. This was not the picture I had in my head for what life would be like (see last post).

It took me suffering on and off with panic attacks until May of this year before I finally realized I had to do something. Again. So back to counseling I went. Again. A new counselor this time and a fresh determination to not use medication to fix the problem. I've felt God pushing at my heart to fix the problem and not just sweep it under the rug.

My panic attacks revolve around a fear of dying. Some people have fears of public speaking. I was a teacher for almost a decade... that's not a fear. Some people fear singing in front of large crowds... well, we know I can handle that one too. My fear is dying. See, I have this stupid, human struggle with control. I can't control death. I can't control how and when it'll happen. I can't guarantee myself that our daughter will grow up most of her life with her mom (something my mom and her siblings didn't get). How will I know she'll be okay? How do I know she'll turn out like I've been praying she will? How can I keep the evil things in this world from hurting her if I'm not there to stop it?

I can't control any of those things... I'm not the one in control. I struggle big time with that!

Starting up counseling again is helping. I haven't had a panic attack in two months... I do have moments where I expect them to come, and I'll start to feel that little flash of heat and my heart start to race, but I can stop them again. But the deeper heart issue here is that I need to strengthen this life-long relationship I've had with Christ so that I don't have to fear where I'm going when I do die. Personally, I don't think it's a salvation issue. I know that I've accepted Christ into my heart and have been forgiven for my sins. It's a lack of knowledge issue. I don't know the Bible well enough to know the promises He's given us.

Along with going back to counseling, I decided it was time to really take some steps to have freedom from this anxiety. A couple of months ago I started participating in an online Bible study called Hello Mornings. They have six week challenges and you communicate online with your group about what you're reading together and what you're learning. It has made all the difference in the world for me. Having quiet time each morning, getting my mind wrapped around the day's activities, maybe getting some chores done before our little gal wakes up has made a huge difference. I'm slowly gaining confidence in knowing scriptures too thanks to the daily time in the Word. Also, I am finally making some progress in Randy Alcorn's book called "Heaven". I bought it in 2006 but haven't been able to make it past the first chapter for 8 years. (I finished Ch. 4 this morning!)

I still have so far to go, but I am so thankful that I'm listening and following God on this one. I am working so hard to truly trust God and give up my fear. I still struggle many nights to go to sleep, but I'm grateful for the improvement. Conversations, church sermons, radio discussions lately have all been talking about Heaven. There's a reason for it, I'm sure of it. And one of these days I'll be able to listen or join in on conversations without crying, but I think the key right now is to be obedient. Follow God's lead and listen. Listen to Him, listen to what the Bible has to teach me, listen to all the research Randy has gathered for his book... maybe it's okay to not have it all together for a little while...not knowing what to do or say is okay... if it leads me to truly being healed.