Night

If you've ever had a panic attack, you know how debilitating they can be. When I first started having them back in 2006, I thought that I was dying. I had no control over them; they completely controlled me. Sometimes they'd last for hours and others "only" minutes. I have memories of floating around the townhouse my first husband and I lived in and sobbing uncontrollably and becoming physically sick because of the terror. Let me tell you, it's an awful way to live. Counseling was essential for me and for a good 6+ months I clung to those 50 minute sessions for dear life.

Slowly the panic attacks went away though. Thankfully counseling taught me how to recognize the triggers, and I learned how to stop an attack before it escalated. My counselor was a great Christian leader who helped me pray for strength and eventually I was able to wean off the medication that I'd needed to get through that time in my life.

I live in Indiana. Indiana has a lot of flat, straight roads. Life doesn't seem to have many flat, straight roads though. My ex-husband and I separated in 2008 and were officially divorced in 2009. He remarried in 2010. I met Ben in June of 2012, we were married in November of 2012, and our daughter was born in September 2013. That was a lot of wonderful, beautiful changes in a short period of time. Maybe I should've predicted that the combination of it all, plus pregnancy/nursing mom hormones, would put me in a vulnerable state for the panic attacks to return.

Night time is the worst for me. I can't tell you how many days I've run myself ragged in hope that by the time my head hits the pillow I will drift off quickly and not give my brain any down time to think. My first counselor warned me that dark places were often where panic attacks started. He was definitely right.

I stopped going to movie theaters in 2006. If a movie even remotely mentioned or talked about life or death, my brain found a way to escalate the panic attack. As you can probably guess, I rarely found a movie that didn't deal with that, so I stopped watching them altogether. In theaters, once the panic attacks started I'd be stuck in a dark movie theater that rarely provided an exit that didn't leave me looking like hot mess. And while I've never been one to hide away from sharing my feelings, I really am not a fan of looking like a mess. The first child in the family genes run deep... I need to have my act together. Or at least look like I do.

But back to night time... any new mom can recall those early days with their babies and the exhaustion of round the clock feedings. Many days I didn't know what day it was if I didn't look at my iPhone. Our little gal lost a lot of weight in the first few days of her life, and I fortunately had a very patient and dedicated friend who was my lactation consultant, and she helped me push through those first few weeks of exhaustion and frustration trying to help her gain the weight back. But take a new, tired mom and then add in panic attacks at night... I definitely was a mess. This was not the picture I had in my head for what life would be like (see last post).

It took me suffering on and off with panic attacks until May of this year before I finally realized I had to do something. Again. So back to counseling I went. Again. A new counselor this time and a fresh determination to not use medication to fix the problem. I've felt God pushing at my heart to fix the problem and not just sweep it under the rug.

My panic attacks revolve around a fear of dying. Some people have fears of public speaking. I was a teacher for almost a decade... that's not a fear. Some people fear singing in front of large crowds... well, we know I can handle that one too. My fear is dying. See, I have this stupid, human struggle with control. I can't control death. I can't control how and when it'll happen. I can't guarantee myself that our daughter will grow up most of her life with her mom (something my mom and her siblings didn't get). How will I know she'll be okay? How do I know she'll turn out like I've been praying she will? How can I keep the evil things in this world from hurting her if I'm not there to stop it?

I can't control any of those things... I'm not the one in control. I struggle big time with that!

Starting up counseling again is helping. I haven't had a panic attack in two months... I do have moments where I expect them to come, and I'll start to feel that little flash of heat and my heart start to race, but I can stop them again. But the deeper heart issue here is that I need to strengthen this life-long relationship I've had with Christ so that I don't have to fear where I'm going when I do die. Personally, I don't think it's a salvation issue. I know that I've accepted Christ into my heart and have been forgiven for my sins. It's a lack of knowledge issue. I don't know the Bible well enough to know the promises He's given us.

Along with going back to counseling, I decided it was time to really take some steps to have freedom from this anxiety. A couple of months ago I started participating in an online Bible study called Hello Mornings. They have six week challenges and you communicate online with your group about what you're reading together and what you're learning. It has made all the difference in the world for me. Having quiet time each morning, getting my mind wrapped around the day's activities, maybe getting some chores done before our little gal wakes up has made a huge difference. I'm slowly gaining confidence in knowing scriptures too thanks to the daily time in the Word. Also, I am finally making some progress in Randy Alcorn's book called "Heaven". I bought it in 2006 but haven't been able to make it past the first chapter for 8 years. (I finished Ch. 4 this morning!)

I still have so far to go, but I am so thankful that I'm listening and following God on this one. I am working so hard to truly trust God and give up my fear. I still struggle many nights to go to sleep, but I'm grateful for the improvement. Conversations, church sermons, radio discussions lately have all been talking about Heaven. There's a reason for it, I'm sure of it. And one of these days I'll be able to listen or join in on conversations without crying, but I think the key right now is to be obedient. Follow God's lead and listen. Listen to Him, listen to what the Bible has to teach me, listen to all the research Randy has gathered for his book... maybe it's okay to not have it all together for a little while...not knowing what to do or say is okay... if it leads me to truly being healed.

It's a Journey

September 17th, 2013 was the most amazing day ever. I had a whirlwind delivery and we met our amazing little girl for the first time that morning. The sun was shining, everyone was beaming with excitement, and visitors were traveling in and out of our room at the hospital faster than I could keep track. Having a baby is awesome, right? But MAN is it a doozy of an adventure.

I'm a planner. You probably knew that about me. I love to make lists, cross off each accomplishment, and silently pat myself on the back for being such an over-achiever. But being a mom is not something that blends well with a to-do list. Kind of like being a special education teacher, you can kind of have an idea of what the day will hold, but flexibility is the name of the game. Some days your kid is happy and all is well with the world and other days, she barely makes it an hour between naps and is a cranky pants mcgee during the time in between. My planning side doesn't always love the unpredictability, but I know that's probably best that I be stretched, and being a mom sure has stretched me thus far!

Our little gal is a little over 10 months now. I could not be more proud of this little person, this little mini me, that I spend my days with. Her smile makes my heart sing and her laugh brings me to joyous tears. She loves to growl when someone does something she doesn't love right now, or if she's trying to communicate with the dogs. They taught her that, by the way. Every time she gets close to their food bowl and they're trying to eat, they growl at her. It's pretty cute when she does it... not so much when the dogs do.

Before El came into the world, I had really grand illusions of having a baby and carting her around to various places with me and beaming with ease and comfort of being a mom. After all, my over-achieving self could not imagine it being anything I couldn't handle gracefully. But this past winter was rough on me. Being a mom is tough. Being a mom is a HUGE responsibility. And being a stay-at-home mom, if you're an extrovert like me, can be pretty lonely. I clung to social media as a way to have some sort of communication with people while my husband was at work. But we had a heck of a winter in Indy and so my dreamed up adventures of traveling about with my kid were few and far between. I'd get out of the house once a week. Maybe. And that was for a couple hours to go to church and grocery shop.

The winter is a tough time to be stuck at home. No sunshine, family visits less because the roads are slick and dangerous, and so the down side to being on social media because you're trapped at home is that it's easy to become overwhelmed with all the bad in the world. I had other moms posting article after article about kids being kidnapped, babies suffocating in their sleep, deadly colds sweeping the nation. Then in December I'd watch the news and hear about a mother & daughter who had their home broken into and they died by "blunt force"... they lived a mile away.  I desperately needed positive people in my life speaking the truth about the good that this world has to offer, but instead I was overwhelmed.

That's when my panic attacks returned.

I struggled with anxiety and panic attacks years ago after my 1st husband had a scary eye accident and then a couple months later two friends from college died in a plane crash. Two instances of losing or almost losing people who were important to me was too much. It was really the first time I had to face my mortality.

But I hadn't had any panic attacks in a long time. Years. Life was good, I was happy, I wasn't thinking about my inevitable death. But like a lot of trouble spots in life, I've had a relapse.

So I'm back in counseling. It's a good thing. I struggle with it in the beginning because you can't just start up counseling without rehashing the past. Stories I don't talk about much have to come out, I have to remind myself that I deserve the forgiveness I've asked God for, and I have to remind myself that I'm forgiven.

That's my focus right now on this journey of healing. I am forgiven, even though I don't deserve it.

More to come...

Almost to the 3rd Trimester!

It's hard to believe how quickly this pregnancy is going! On Saturday we will officially be at 25 weeks, putting us just a couple of weeks away from reaching the 3rd trimester! Since our last post, we learned that baby Bean is a girl! :) We will be naming her Ellie Cathleen. Before you ask, I'll go ahead and tell you that the name Ellie doesn't really have any significance to either of us. However, Cathleen is my mom's name, so Ellie will share part of her name and that obviously is a purposeful and special choice for us. 

Our gender reveal picture

According to many of my weekly baby updates, Ellie is approximately 13.5 inches long and 1.5 lbs at this point. She's been very low all of my pregnancy, which has been frustrating at times. I can't see her kicks very well over my belly, and she's kicking in not-so-nice places. That can get a little tiring. However, she responds to specific voices at this point. She LOVES her daddy and will consistently always kick his hand when he says hello to her. :) It's pretty precious. She's hearing more and more of my parents voices too, so I'm expecting her reaction to them to increase soon. Ellie loves worship time during church, but seems to adore our lead pastor Steve Poe, and typically kicks his entire sermon each week. 

Watch us grow!

We've celebrated a few milestones in the past month. My parents celebrated their 33rd wedding anniversary on May 3rd (woohoo!) and Ben and I celebrated meeting/knowing each other for a year on June 3rd. ;) Life certainly has changed from that first date at Starbucks and Steak 'n Shake. 

                                      

One year!

June 3rd I also wrapped up a major milestone in my life. That was officially my last day at ZMS teaching. I had been preparing myself mentally for quite a while... I slowly took things home so my room looked less and less like my space for the last couple of months. I started saving things early and sharing stuff with staff that I knew was returning so that things could get used again in the future. But the inevitable happened on that last day... I bawled my eyes out. Two of my favorite people retired this year, so a lot of my emotional mess was partially tied to celebrating their amazing teaching careers, but when it came time to turn in my keys and walk away I simply couldn't stop crying. I have no doubt in my mind that I'm going to treasure being able to stay home with Ellie, and be the one who helps her reach developmental milestones, but it is also going to be a big shock to this over-achiever's system when August arrives and I'm not heading back to long days of working with my resource kiddos. I'm abundantly thankful for the time I had at ZMS and the lessons I've learned are innumerable. The staff is amazing and the kids have been a blessing. All that said, I've spent the past seven years pouring my heart into those kid's lives and now it's time to do the same for my own munchkin. 

Farewell, my friend.

Last, but not least, we celebrated Father's Day last weekend. It's Ben's first official/unofficial Father's Day and I can't describe how excited I am to see him hold his baby girl for the first time. (Soon enough!) He's going to be amazing, and based on how she already responds to him, I know that she's going to very quickly have him wrapped around her finger and adore him for life. I'm so blessed to have him, my dad, and my brothers as amazing, Godly men to help encourage and support Ellie to know how amazing she is as she grows up. 

Some of my many special men!

Coming soon... Update on Ellie's room transformation! Guest bedroom update! Mini-McClew family reunion and 4th of July festivities.

Hope everyone is doing well! <3

16 Weeks Along!

8 weeks pregnant

When we got married in November, we knew we wanted to start having a family pretty quickly. Thankfully, God seems to be agreeing with us on things, and it's hard to believe we're already almost 16 weeks along! Baby Bean is the size of an avocado this week, which provoked a guacamole craving from Benjamin, but it's exciting to feel flutters every once in a while and start feeling like I look pregnant and not just food happy. ;) 

Bean at 13 weeks- a thumb sucker already!

 

We find out on Wed. May 15th if Bean is actually Ellie Cathleen or Graham Matthew... Ben and I both are undecided at this point. For the longest time I was convinced it's a boy, but the more home gender prediction tests we do and ultrasounds we see, the more I start wondering if it's a little girl. Ben's response to his prediction is that he's "50/50". ;) Big help. All joking aside, neither of us care one way or the other, we just want our little guy/gal to be healthy. (Though I'm sure we'll be crossing our fingers next time for the other gender!)

Life around the house has been busy as usual. Our bunnies under the deck and shed seem to be as fertile as we are, and that keeps Calvin entertained. Sadly, he's a little too good at catching said bunnies and so Ben is quickly becoming an expert and cleaning up the mess without his tummy sensitive wife seeing the bloodshed. In an attempt to get the bunnies to move somewhere else, Ben spent Monday putting up a "trim" of sorts around the edge of the deck and shed so that there isn't any room for them to get under. As of Wednesday there are baby bunnies small enough to still get under, so I think we're going to have to do a little more adjusting before this master plan is completely effective. Calvin will be disappointed, but I will have much relief not having to worry about being pregnant and trying to get Calvin out from climbing under the deck after chasing & following the bunnies. (This happened last summer and I had several meltdowns when I couldn't get him out and had to dig tunnels while laying on my stomach in the yard.) 

The dogs are very thankful for the sunshine and warmer temps lately. That has left me with no excuse to get out and do our 1 or 2 daily walks around our neighborhood. The 1-2 miles each time is good exercise for Bean and I and most of our furry crew put on a few pounds over winter, so it's certainly helping them slim down too. Jackson is quite the creature of habit though, so it's hard for him to comprehend when it's raining too hard for us to go out on our W-A-L-K. We're ready for summer! 

Speaking of exercise.. Ben has been taking CrossFit for a few weeks now. I think it's been a good challenge for him; he's learning exercises he's never done before and challenging new muscles. I'm finally feeling well enough that I'm back at the gym too. Swimming is my exercise of choice these days since I still get over-heated quickly which can turn me into a mess. Plus swimming gives my back some much needed relief from this growing belly. Thankfully, my running partner Mary, has been giving up one night a week from her mini marathon training to swim with me. I appreciate the companionship and support, and love having a sounding board to talk about all of these changes with someone who is a new mom too.

In anticipation of Bean's arrival, we purchased a mini van a month or so ago. The reaction by friends has been comical to say the least. Ben and I didn't talk about it much to friends before the day we purchased the vehicle, so most thought we made the decision and purchased the car in the same day. ;) They clearly weren't thinking about the people making these decisions (us) because Ben and I are big time planners, and that kind of spontaneity isn't how we roll. After weeks of searching online and visiting dealerships in our free time, we found our Honda Odyssey in Cincinnati. It has all the bells and whistles we were hoping for in anticipation of our growing crew of Hollis children. The van boasts a DVD player, power everything, and leather seats...now to get my iPod/Phone hookup installed so I'm not stuck with CDs and the radio. (I'm spoiled, I know...)

I've decided on the baby room color scheme even though we don't know the gender. I think it's not specific, so I'm anxious to start putting the pieces together. We picked out a pretty light gray for the walls and the furniture will be white (our crib came already by the way! super cute!) and we're doing turquoise accents. I'm hoping to do some garage sale shopping this summer and find a nice dresser for cheap that I can paint and dress up. 

Not much else to report at this time. Life is good and we are beyond blessed! Hope everyone is staying dry and safe...what a week our country has had! I'm off school today due to flooding in Boone County, so I'm hoping to take advantage of some free time to get caught up on stuff (like this!).

Love you all!

 S&B and Bean

10 years in 12 months

Yes, the past 12 months have been filled with events that most would have 10 years to spread out these major moments!

This is Ben and my story begins with a fork in the road last March.

As I thought at work, promotion papers in hand, about where this could lead me, I couldn't face being tossed around any more in the "big box" retail world. "Do I want to work 6 days a week, 55 hrs min., and be asked at anytime to move 4 states away!?" "How will I full fill my dreams?" How could I have time to meet a girl, and then begin a relationship,...?" "Getting to work at 5am some days and not leaving until 11 pm others!" "Not going to happen if I want to raise a family!" Finally standing up for the things in life that were important to me, I decided to begin the process of setting my eye on what mattered outside of work. Later that week I spoke to my GM at work and told him it was time for me to move a new direction.

I began the process of moving back to Indy!

I called my former GM and oddly enough he had an opening in my department just that morning. <Go God>

Now I have a house to sell! (Fort Branch) I packed up and moved back to Brownsburg. I placed a sign in the yard, an ad on Craigslist, and the phone calls started! It took a little bit of time weeding through who could really afford and who just wanted to rent the place. But after 4 months and prayers with family, a buyer with cash responded and the deal was done in just a week!
<Go God>


 I was now back "home", near my Life group. This group of friends has given me so much encouragement and strength over the last three years. They have lead me to where I am today! In fact, one of them, Tom, kept encouraging me to post on dating websites. I was thinking it may be too early, since I just moved back and could be looking for new employment and selling a house! But he kept insisting, so I took the chance.
I joined Christianmingle.com. As I waited for my profile to be approved, I was able to browse the girls profiles. I was finding that many were the same from other sites. But then only two or three pages in this girl stood out to me and I got a great feeling! The first few things I thought were, Beautiful Eyes, Beautiful Smile, Beautiful Hair, She loves God, and as I read about her the "check marks" kept checking! As soon as I could write her I did! And the next day she wrote back! Just over 5 months later we're married! What a wonderful summer getting to know the love of my life!
<Go God>

Knowing that we are going to live in Sarah's house, we put mine up for sale in Sept. I put a sign in the yard and listed on the sign's web page. Not sure were else I would list, turned out not to matter. I received three calls in the first week! Within days I had two offers! Both very near asking price. After all the processes of selling, getting around the holidays, and a few hoops along the way, the closing was finished this last week!
<Go God>

In this transition between westside and northside, I was fortunate to transfer to the Carmel Menard's. This was great because we live only 4 miles from this store. Knowing that I wanted to find employment in a more focused environment, I waited until the wave of holidays, house sale, and honeymoon had passed to begin my search. I began to check out local cabinet shops in mid January. After selecting the one that fit the way I would operate myself, I prepared to interview. The first week in Feb. I walked into Kitchen Master to inquire on employment. I was able to interview "on the spot", tested for ability, and was extended an offer for a position as Lead Designer! Turns out they had a opening just two weeks before I walked in the door. I start my new position this week. GoKitchenMaster.com
<Go God>


Back to the wedding! This would also turn out to be another one of God's timing. We searched for weeks trying to find a location. From Nappanne to Story, IN. We finally found that right place in our "backyard", the place we spent all summer enjoying concerts on the prairie was the place for us. Conner Prairie, Nov 9th, became our wedding home. The day could not have turned out better! The weather was warm and the sun was shinning! We had so much fun having our pictures taken around the grounds. The ceremony was beautiful in front of the fireplace. Our closest friends and family joined us. The food, music, dancing, DJ, cakes, and photo booth topped the night! It will never be forgotten!
<Go God>

We spent the wedding weekend in a cabin in New Albany, IN. The cabin was gorgeous, as it sat at the top of a hill overlooking Louisville, KY.  We spent a relaxing weekend together as we knew we were going back to work the next week. One night we had dinner at a River City Winery, were we both had the best fillet minon of our life! ... Moving on the the full honeymoon. Starting 2013 off right, we began by arriving in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico! We checked into our "all inclusive" hotel and were pleased at the amenities we were given. Our room included a great view of the bay, a sunken hot tub in the balcony, and full room service 24 hours a day! We had a great adventure zip lining in the mountains, but the rest of the week Sarah and I just relaxed and enjoyed the beach, pools, and the time alone. It was very nice to leave the freezing Indiana weather for the 70's and sun of Mexico.
<Go God>

Now I've saved the most exciting for last!

As you all should know, we are pregnant!!!  The news came just a couple of weeks after the honeymoon. Sarah and I wanted to start our family as soon as possible. We are so excited to have our honeymoon baby coming in October! Next week we will have the first ultra sound and we will be able to see "Bean" for the first time!

So a lot has happened in the last 12 months.
- 4 job moves
- 2 homes sold
- met and married my "forever love"!
- baby on the way!


There is also so much more in between all of this too. Gaining a great new family, church home, and hundreds of friends! This year has been the best I've known so far!

I thank God for all the blessings and for leading me down the right path. I will continue to follow were He leads and know He has an abundant life ahead of us!

Surviving the 1st Holiday Season

I think it's fair to say that things have been just a little busy around here since our last post. The Holiday Season hit with a bang just a few short weeks after our wedding, and so life was off and running. We enjoyed a wonderful Thanksgiving with Ben's family on Thanksgiving Day and then met up with my parents, brother Ryan and sis-in-law Lauren, and adopted sis Jess for the Church Thanksgiving on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Unfortunately, Ben had to work a lot during this time and his schedule was frustrating during an already really busy month of December. He worked a lot of odd hours and a lot of late hours which does not translate well for a teacher who gets up at 5:30 every morning. We made it through though! December is a busy singing season for me. I once again was blessed to participate in Northview's Christmas concert the 1st wknd in December and helped lead worship a couple of other weekends that month. We somehow squeezed in birthday parties and other holiday parties in that month too... have I mentioned it was busy yet? ;)

 

Christmas Eve is the time that my family has chosen to celebrate Christmas. This started probably 8 years ago and has worked as our families have expanded. I treasure going to church with everyone that evening, enjoying dinner together, and then celebrating with a few gifts. This year was no exception and I enjoyed the different exchanges we decided to do this year. We did 3 different exchanges; the first one was an individual gift where we didn't spend more than $20 on that person, the second gift was a family gift that was a DIY gift that we had to create ourselves, the third gift was an ornament exchange for one family that would represent their year. It was fun to see our already creative family be creative & crafty...they did not disappoint. :)

  

Ben's family didn't have any specific drawings or exchanges, but they also did a DIY Christmas. We loaded up on tons of yummy treats and we also got my new favorite blanket to snuggle with. It's so fuzzy and warm and has dog bones on it. It's like they know we like dogs! ;)

 

Jackson caught snuggling in my new blanket

 

Just a few short days after Christmas was over, Ben and I hopped on a couple of planes and headed south for our long-over Honeymoon! We went to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico and stayed at the Dreams Villamagna All-Inclusive Resort. We had such a great time! The resort was a lot of fun (I highly recommend the upgrade for the Preferred Club...worth the money!). The food was excellent, the pools were relaxing, the service was unreal, and we very much enjoyed all of the hotel's amenities. We walked the beach, read poolside, jumped waves in the ocean while the sun set, and listened to the waves crash while we enjoyed our private balcony jacuzzi.

Our view from the top floor suite!

 

                                               

 

Quick sunset pic before heading to dinner!

In the middle of our trip, we took an excursion into town and went ziplining up in the mountains. Ben had never been ziplining before, and honestly I can't say that my experiences with ziplining in Indiana can really count after this experience. In Indiana, you zipline from tree top to tree top. While that's exciting for the flat lands of Indiana, it definitely was not comparable to our experience in Mexico going over 30 mph from mountain top to mountain top. There were 9 ziplines on our excursion and on the longest one (1/2 mile long), Ben and I both got to ride with a guide and hang upside down the whole time! It was awesome!

 

After ziplining!

Returning home to cold Indiana was a rude awakening after the warm 80 degrees we enjoyed in Mexico, but we were looking forward to a little normalcy returning to our lives. Ben got to work right away on updating our kitchen, and while I may be biased, I'm telling you- he did an amazing job. For whatever reason when the builders of this house put in my kitchen they left a 5 ft gap between the end of the counter top/cabinets and the wall. It was a total waste of space, so Ben added cabinets (I have more than 2 pull-out drawers now!!!) and installed a beautiful new counter top in the whole kitchen. The change was small compared to most kitchen remodels, but it's been such a nice improvement to the space. Later, he's going to add crown molding to the top of the cabinets and dress it up a little more too! :) He's so good.

 

What the kitchen looked like when I bought it in 2009.

One picture of what it looked like after I painted the cabinets and added new hardware. You can see the random gap that I was referring to earlier.

The new cabinets and counter top! Complete with built in dog bowls (thanks, Pinterest!).

 

And that gets you caught up to about the 2nd week in January. I think it's safe to say we survived our first holiday season with a bang! :) Merry Christmas to each and every one of you!

Our Shutterfly Wedding Album

Click here to view this photo book larger

Sarah created a Shutterfly book of some of our wedding photos... these are just a small portion of the amazing photographs we got back from SB Childs Photography! We love them!